Posted on | March 23, 2013 | 1 Comment
Or is there?
There is screaming in Buddhism if it’s the right thing to do in that moment. It is rare that doing something violent & destructive is the right thing–but sometimes, it is.
Don’t ask me when & why. I don’t know until that moment is upon me, and neither do you. ‘Karma’ means action, not reaction.
And doing nothing is where IT’S at.
Well, y’all, I told y’all that I did not feel right calling myself ‘an artist’ because I suck at it, still, after, like, 25 years of really wanting to be an artist & practicing very hard to be able to draw like an artist would…
But it’s okay, because finally, after reading a book called Hardcore Zen, I’ve figured out what I am: A Zen Master!
Yeah…I call myself a hobbit & a hermit & a hedonist & a wannabe artist/musician/writer. But I’m really a Zen Master. And I’m not being stuck-up or conceited or smug by stating that. It doesn’t matter that I’m a Zen Master. It is no big deal at all.
It means that I can tolerate a whole lotta nothingness much better than you can…
And it doesn’t matter that I lost my cool last week & screamed &tore my flesh. Zen Masters do that some times. Being a Zen Master is not about being a blissed out lotus who never gets angry. Anger exixtx for a reason & it is sometimes appropriate.
I’m not sure that it was appropriate last week, but no one suffered from it but me. I bore my own karma. My own action. And as John Lennon promised, it was instant.
But guess what, angels?? A big truck just dropped of a huge dumpster at the house across the street so I have another chance to pass the test. Hurray. I will do it.
Oh!! I was going to explain to you about skipping birthdays…
Well, it’s something I just decided to do one year (1983) because though I was supposed to turn fifteen that year, I did not want to.
As you all probably don’t remember from my crazy stories a few years ago, I was actually 34 when I was 14. It has something to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder, but that’s all the explaining I’ll do about that…
So when it came time to turn 15, I didn’t even feel like I had been 14 yet. When I was 14, I felt really strange and foggy, like i didn’t really belong in high school or at my mom’s house. I hung out with older friends and often got into bars & appeared to many people to be older than 14.
And usually I acted older than 14, unless I was drunk. Then I could be pretty stupid.
Right before I was going to turn 15, I got an eating disorder. And that changed everything. I didn’t feel like getting drunk with my friends or being around anyone at all. It was like a sudden anti-social spiral away from everything I knew.
And I kept spiralling—downdowndown—until the next year when it was time to turn Sweet 16 !!! (gag) Needless to say, I felt & looked more like 10. I wanted nothing to do with driving a car or having sex. I was ready to reclaim my virginity. I was more attracted to girls than boys.
But I wasn’t allowed to skip my b-day in ’84. It was a Saturday & my friend Juliet 2 (who y’all probably don’t remember either) wanted to have a double Sweet 16 party because our bdays were so close together & we used to have combo-bdays when we were young. I said yes to the Sweet 16 party, even though I knew I was only going to be 15.
So…yeah…skipping my b-day in ’83 was like a pre-emptive strike to make up for how far back I was about to slide…
My Mom & brothers & I ended up celebrating my 15th b-day in Dec of ’83 because I had gained enough weight to go on a trip. For awhile I celebrated my b-day in December too, because it made me feel better (and because Jim Morrison’s bday was in December too :)))
And I know I said I was skipping my b-day this year, but…I’ve reconsidered. I think you only get one chance to skip a birthday in your life, and I used mine up pretty early. I don’t really ENJOY lying about my age any more than I have to (for people not to freak out over it!) But hell, after the wonderful birthday I had, I’m ready to skip ahead to 50…or cemetery.
NOOOO!!! Not that quite yet…
I know what y’all are thinking: “She doesn’t seem like a Zen Master.”
“Yeah. If she’s a Zen Master, why isn’t she rich?”
Because, angels, there is no money in Zen. Unless you’re doing it wrong.
And speaking of not being an artist, I’m sorry there are no Singlewood Stories for you. There will be next time, I promise.
But here is a little Psychic Challenge for you!!! Y’all know I have blogging heroes. I have my autistic blogger who I can’t wait to hear from again, and Amanda Palmer of course, and Luc the Hormone Blogger…
….but I just discovered the blog of a former hero-buddy of mine and it is just awesome. Who is it?
A) Milla Jovovich
B) Frank (from My Chemical Romance)
C) Kim Gordon
D) Allen Ginsberg’s nephew (also named Alan)
Answer NEXT TIME!!! In the Centipeep Show/Octopus Diary!!!