Posted on | August 4, 2013 | 1 Comment
Wow, it’s August 4th & I feel like blogging!! So I’m gonna! Happy Birthday, Mr. President, you crazy lame duck, you!
So…what’s been going on with me, you want to know?
Unfortunately, not much. I have been a very bad & unfocused writer lately. I can’t concentrate on poetry books. Was it “Gravity’s Rainbow” that sucked the wings off my butterfly? Yes.
But it’s okay to take a break from writing, even for writers. I’ve been writing & rewriting & submitting furiously since January 2012. I NEED a break.
So….what have I been doing to avoid writing, you want to know?
Singing alot. I don’t know why. It’s useless for a middle-aged woman-who-hates-being-a-woman to sing. Or is it? It sure feels great to sing. Therefore, it’s not useless for anyone of any age or gender to sing.
Dancing. I don’t know why…dancing is pretty useless to do at home, with no one watching or staring or audiencing at you. Or is it? It sure feels great to dance. Even if no one is watching. Especially if.
Doing a Singlewood collage project. In preparation for a big, new rewrite. I’ve had some revelations about my main character, Cody. And I can’t wait to add them into the storyline & fluff Cody up as a character, because much of the criticism I’ve gotten about the pilot script is—Cody is supposed to be the main character, but she is one of the weakest characters, as written.
And I agree. It is harder for me to face my main character than it is to face the supporting cast. All the characters embody small bits of me, and my life. But Cody’s story arc mirrors mine the most, although she is a more ballsy, entitled and assertive version of me…
…of the mousy alcoholic me of my 20s. Cody has a lot of enemies.
Asses, I’ve told you about my multiple personalities [or altar egos], and you have laughed, and mocked, and called me a fraud & a witch & a cunt.
That’s okay. I have observed the world long enough to know that this is an unspeakable subject for most of you. You just don’t understand & don’t want to. It’s too complicated, too uncomfortable. You don’t have time. So i only speak of it here, in the Centipeep Show, where you don’t have to pretend you’re listening intently to my gibberish & you can close the window at any time.
But I’ve told you about some altar egos: Juliet, Maxish, Shanax, the whole family I was at 14 (kids & all!) In fact, in my earlier life i usually was a family of altars, not just one at a time.
And inside me still live nameless children, teenage boys & girls…all coming together to annoy & delight you in the form of Juliet DiCaprio.
But did i ever tell you about Ed?
Probably not. Because I spared you of those years. I didn’t speak to you about the worst years of my life, when Ed (as he came to be known) was in control.
When I saw the footage on TV of Ariel Castro, and listened to all the things he did to those girls, and heard that girl Michelle Knight speak to him…
….it all reminded me of Ed. Ed was like Ariel Castro. And he lived inside of me, instead of me living inside his dungeon. But he hated women & he hated me. He hated being me, and wearing my skin in public & having to go to work in my skin & deal with customers looking like a girl.
He was around probably starting when I was 15 or 16, but he became a full altar by the time I was 20, and really took over my life, along with an external boyfriend who wanted to smother me too.
Ed starved me & sliced me with broken bottles & broke my fingers & punched babies out of my stomach. Only I could not get any restraining order. I couldn’t figure any way to get rid of him. I just had to ride with him, for about 10 years…
…Ed is responsible for most of the scars on my lady flesh. Some of you probably knew Ed. He was with me when I met you. But you probably had no idea. You probably just thought I was weird, or sad, or crazy. And that’s okay…
…looking back, I think I did a marvelous job handling such a horrid altar ego. I don’t think any of you could have done it.
And, unfortunately, there is always the danger that Ed could come back. or someone like him. I don’t sleep easy knowing these people live in my head. I don’t give up consciousness w/out a back-up plan.
BUT!!! But…. since I’ve solved my mystery—
the one where I was physically & sexually abused in the 1st year of my life by a dickish & juvenile dad, and then lied to & denied by an oblivious, selfish, victimonious mother who just doesn’t see what she doesn’t want to, and needed me to be strong & perky enough to carry her immense baggage for her….
…and I dissociated at a very young age & re-emerged into consciousness as a gender dysphoric toddler, igniting a lifelong war between myself & my family, ending in my complete divorcing of them by 2003…
….followed then by some years of hurt & confusion & alcoholism & sobriety & the need to figure the whole mess out once & for all, and leading to the above revelations, which i indeed confirmed with a reliable professional on Jan 25, 2012—
since then…I don’t fear Ed or his brothers nearly as much as I used to. I understand them better. They cannot control me.
HEYYYYY!!!!! Aren’t you thankful that I spared you any stories about Ed??? Like, when I wrote my crazy Summer Stories or those dastardly Zebra Moon Stories??? Aren’t you glad I didn’t go there?? I just gave you all the pussy stuff you could handle!
You all should be very, very grateful >: /
Anyway…I’m gonna go now…I hope you all are having fun too, whatever fun is for you…