Posted on | January 11, 2014 | 1 Comment
I’m being serious today & I’m not even going to call you ‘Asses.’
Though my life is wonderful & I’m very grateful for every ounce of peace I experience, I have started of this year with “friend trouble.”
You all may recall that in 2011 I had a lot of “friend trouble.” The end of ’11 was a morass of social chaos:
* I was letting go of people with whom I simply couldn’t keep up socially
* I was being shunned by a few who were offended(?) frightened(?) confused(?) by things I had posted online
* I was getting retribution from 1 friend w/ whom I had tried to set boundaries (boy, was he going to show ME boundaries!)
*And I was trying to distance myself from a tiny handful of friends who, despite many discussions & attempted reconciliations, were just not working out—who continued to hurt me with the same old “behaviour” we had discussed so many times.
Yes, the end of ’11 was a dark time & much more difficult than my divorce-from-family in 2003. [Hell, my family was more than happy to let me go…they never harassed me…or demanded explanations…or called me names (to my face. I'm sure they disparaged me amongst themselves.)]
On top of the decision I had made to distance myself from my then-current social scenario, having such aggressively antagonistic friends from the past show up to complicate things further—let’s just say it was like a multi-car pile-up on the Interstate. If cars were people : 0
But I got through it. I learned ALOT from it—about people, myself, groups, communities, art, technology, spirituality, trust, psychology and death [YES, I learned all that shit from having trouble with friends!]
And time heals wounds. The things that mattered then don’t matter so much now. The sting of losing so many people at once has abated.
But I continued to have difficulty w/ one particular friend. We continued on the rocky path of trying to remain friends through the bitterness & betrayal that had plagued us for many years.
This was not my choice, really. I would’ve liked him to fade away into his own future without me. Even before 2011, I felt this way. But he was not so easy to let go. He did not want to be let go. He clung & begged & demanded 2nd, 3rd, 8th, 9th, 10th chances to be a decent person.
And he would be nice for 2 minutes, then it was always back to the resentful, jealous, controlling, insulting, manipulative, callous behaviour I had known.
And my husband witnessed the demands & insults, and he wanted to step in and put an end to it (long before 2011), but I always said, ‘No, let me handle it. I know my friend. I know why he’s like this, etc…etc…’
Well…at the dawning of the new year, I finally let him step in & help me end this exhausting, frustrating relationship.
It was sad & stressful, but it needed to be done. And I couldn’t do it alone. I had not laid the groundwork for my friend to respect my wishes. Or take me seriously. I had given him too many chances, and let him walk all over me too many times.
I am relieved to have “back up,” to have someone who is willing to stand up for me when I don’t have those skills myself. But I am also prepared for this to NOT be over yet….
Because I have been reading alot about Sociopaths and Psychopaths lately, and I know that is what I am dealing with in this person.
Now don’t go screaming & covering your eyes. Just because a person is a socio- or psychopath doesn’t mean he has killed anyone…(yet). It just means:
* He repeats the same behaviours over & over despite not getting the desired results
* He is easily bored & needs to use & manipulate people to get what he wants for himself
* He thinks he CAN control people (with money & things, with force, with charm and/or contrition)
* He is unable to empathize. He only feels his own jealousy & hurt. Or anger. Or desire. Or entitlement. Or desperation. Only his perceptions matter. It’s beyond ego, beyond narcissism–there is a disconnect between him and the rest of the world. And he can “fake” empathy & understanding for a time, but not a long time.
So…that is what I’ve been up against for so long. Not to mention our early years of friendship when he was sometimes physically abusive to me. And not to mention the abuse I have seen him commit on other unwitting people (namely heterosexual men/boys who are not interested in his advances).
Despite how I come off in writing, in person I am a wallflower, a door mat, someone who avoids conflict (even when conflict may be necessary!) I’m able to write with power & emotion because I don’t possess any of that in person.
And—despite how I come off in writing —I don’t resent peoples’ happiness. I want people to be happy! I want them to be successful in their lives & careers! I want their children to be strong & healthy, etc…etc…!!!
I haven’t been overly successful in the outside world, but I’ve found ways to succeed on a personal level, in my relationship, on my self-healing journey. I can’t blame anyone else for my not being a famous writer or musician @ 45. It’s just what happened. I was never ready for that—not only was I unable to achieve it, but I never would’ve been able to handle it if I had. And I can’t resent other people for that.
My friend does not see it that way. I think he blames others for his shortcomings. I think he wants other people to hurt, and be unhappy. And to feel small. Me most of all.
Sooooo….this year, I’m sorry to say, I’m going to have to tighten my boundaries even more than I did in 2011.
I’m not here to be used or controlled. Even with kindness. I will not stand for demanding & pushy, but I also don’t want to be manipulated by over-friendliness — I understand more about that now!
I want to be surrounded (or perhaps “buttressed”) by people who are happy & satisfied with their lives, no matter what. Who can handle themselves like adults. Who are not bored & restless & needy. I want to have adult conversations about books, music, art, politics, people, science, etc… I’m not a psychiatrist; I am NOT your mother.
I want COMPANY, not DISTRACTION.
I want acceptance, not suggestions about what I should be doing differently. I have ARRIVED at just the place I want to be in life. HOME working on the stuff that matters to me. I’m not looking for a new career, or any new hobbies, or any busy-body activities.
I AM busy. I HAVE a career (if I ever choose to go back to it). I have a LIFE.
All right, friends. I’ve had my say; 2014 is the year I do not put up with any more shit. For real. For god damn mother fucking real this time. No more door mat. No more sociopaths. THE END.
[P.S. the difference between a Sociopath and a Psychopath? INTELLIGENCE. Sociopaths are of average or below-average intelligence and tend to make the same mistakes over & over, even after getting caught. Psychopaths are highly intelligent and can fake the appearance of normalcy while still not having empathy for others & plotting to use, abuse & even kill them to get what they want : 0]