Posted on | June 4, 2014 | 1 Comment
Hello, Asses. Thank you for showing up to my blog yet again.
I have a very important announcement today, and I think it will make you happy. And I have updates on my current projects which I know you care so much about.
Here is the Announcement:
It has been 4 years since I “decided” I had to solve my mystery once & for all. It wasn’t really a “decision” either–it was an urgent, undeniable need. It hit me very suddenly, and though I was busy in life with other things (I was writing again; I had 2 radio shows)–I knew nothing in the world was more important than figuring this shit out. And so…on June 1, 2010…I started unravelling my yarns, so to speak….
And my once fun, hilarious blog turned into a scary, weird, seriously awkwerd blog. And you hated it, and hated me for it. And that was okay. I am used to being hated & weird. I needed intelligent, literate witnesses to “hear” my story. And I gave you the option of looking away if you needed to, because it was just written words, not loud spoken-in-person words.
Anyways…I don’t know who has been with me this whole time…or if anyone at all has been here, but…
I successfully solved my mystery, have been processing & coming to grips with my mystery for 4 years and have now GRADUATED as a fully decorated Psychic Detective!!!
If I could stand behind a podium & say something (in loudly spoken words), I would say—WOW. What a bizarre journey that was & I wouldn’t recommend it to everyone.
If you have gnawing doubts about your past & your personal story, but you are able to shove them aside or push them deep down inside you & play on the surface of life…
Then don’t bother. Don’t upset your way of dealing. Keep shoving & pushing & surfing the surface.
But if you’re like me & you know all the pieces are there, you just have to put them together & look at the puzzle to find out what you missed….well, good luck. It is not a quick trip to enlightenment. It’s a slow, painful journey that takes time & support that many people just don’t have.
I wish I could’ve figured it out quicker. Instead of writing stories for 2 years & letting it all sink in slowly, I wish I could’ve just had an Oprah-like epiphany & realized it & immediately felt the jubilance & relief everyone expects you to feel. But that is not how it happened for me.
I still wrestle with family issues everyday–I wonder if I should ever confront my parents with what I know. Certainly not while I’m still angry about it. I feel like I could discuss it reasonably with them now, without flipping out. But do I need to do that? Obviously they aren’t in any hurry to reconnect with me. [and why is that?]
A part of me is willing to fly away & live my own happy life & never have to speak to them about it. Never get closure with them.
But a part of me wants closure. Wants to let them know–’Hey, I saw what you did there.’
I guess I will know when –if ever–I am ready for that step. For now I am concentrating on healing the hurt, the betrayal, the disgust through writing, art, Moonchild, & alter ego. As I have for many years. But now…at least I know what I am healing from!
Since it is my 4-year graduational anniversary, I’ve decided to at least let it go as a blogging topic [YAY!!!!]. I’ve looked at every goddamned centimeter of my timeline, and I think I have a thorough, thorough understanding of things.
I’ve even made an OUTLINE of every person & event involved in my mystery–this is one of my new projects. The OUTLINE is 8 pages long!! It is taller than me when I hang it on the wall. It is done in all different fonts & a rainbow of colors & I’m going to do little black ink drawings all around it. Then I’m going to hang it somewhere where I can always see it, always remind myself what I’ve had to overcome to be this happy.
[I know you love LISTS. And OUTLINES are just 4-star 700 thread-count LUXURY LISTS. So you all would probably love this project & maybe I'll take a picture of it for you someday!]
I do have 3 questions leftover from my mystery:
1) Was my mom’s denial a genuine inability to see what was happening, or did she see it & then flush it out of her mind really quickly? [I've witnessed her doing both in her life]
2) Am I gender dysphoric BECAUSE of what happened, or was I already destined to be troubled by gender & this just compounded it?
3) Though I am less angry & more forgiving of my parents than I was a few years ago, I am still 87% more angry at my mom than at my dad! This seems unfair, even to me. Why is this?
SO….that is all that’s left to ask. And I will probably ruminate on these curiosities until they too make sense. But I will do it without you witn-asses. [YEE-HEE-HEE-HAW!!!]
There you have it, Asses. The end of the Mystery. A fully bachelor-degreed Psychic Detective.
Some of you were concerned about the poem I wrote about the 2 children being abused by their dads. That is just me & my alter integrating our histories. I do that through Vogon poetry, ya know. It doesn’t mean I’m still tortured over it.
So, enjoy! Rejoice! Sing! Outline! Dance! Wonder! Ask! Listen! Imagine! Stretch! Love! Be strong.